The ancient art of not making thing worse
Unhelpful listening
When someone we are close to starts talking about an issue they are dealing with, we often listen to fix. We hear their first couple of statements and then start jumping in with advice. This is rarely helpful, if ever. Why do we do that and what should we do differently.
The other person’s state
When someone starts talking about an issue that they are struggling with, they usually feel uneasy. Unease makes it difficult to think clearly, so their thoughts and speech about the issue are likely to be somewhat muddled. Even if their thoughts are clear, their unease can make it hard for them to speak clearly.
Our state
When are emotionally close to someone who is uneasy, then we tend to get uneasy especially if they are expressing that to us. So when the other person starts talking about the issue they are struggling with, we get uneasy. Unease is aversive, we want it to go away, and so we have an urge to fix the problem. We fool ourselves by thinking we are trying to help, but what we are actually doing is trying to reduce our own unease. That is why our suggestions are rarely received well. They are designed to make us feel better, not deal with the issue effectively.
Listen to learn
What is helpful is listening with the intention of learning about the other person’s experience, their thoughts and emotions, what they have tried and the results, and what responses they may be considering. Unless they are actively contemplating a destructive action, it is safe to simply listen.
When we connect in this way the other person’s unease decreases. As their unease decreases their brain works better and they think more clearly. This helps them come up with effective solutions to the problem, and if we offer them advice then they are more likely to accept it.
Listening to learn is hard because we have to tolerate our own unease without trying to reduce it by attempting to give advice. We can use the reset breath, a long exhale, repeatedly to help us. Whenever we start to give unsolicited advice we can simply do a long exhale and pause. We then ask for more information or more ideas from the other person.
I like to call this kind of listening “the ancient art of not making things worse.”